The lamp is lit.
The dog–come now.
Efficient government,
conspiracy to disregard
Reality.
Things I’ve been struggling with:
afraid of the sharp,
familiar and careful,
Failures appearing
full of Potential.
I’m sharing with you–
image &
sensation,
Burned holes and
Absence.
Freeing, a dance with
The heater,
The candle,
The incense,
The dog.
I’m scared–
I’m strange–
I love. I see.
I’m done smiling.
Tired of trying.
I’m tired of faking.
Always taking
Bad directions.
Spectacular trees,
The sky and sea
Keep lying to me.
Sparkly gems
Stop pretending
it’s good luck get-ting
bit-ten. Cursed
feelings are
Heavy and
suffocating,
stuck replaying–
Do you remember when?
You followed me
to my room–Leaning in.
I didn’t want to
Remember the
spanking
hitting
screaming
Whenever I’m crying–
It’s bad,
Wrong
And insulting!
Objectified and told–
How do I not hold on?
To the pain of being ignored,
Sleepless nights
Given to me
Sinking, give it to me
Crying out stop,
But you won’t BELIEVE
Until later on
when What You’ve Done
catches up with you
For smiling at me.
I wanna follow the sunset
A warm orange glow
Sweet memories
No goodbyes or endings
just a constant
I love you
I love you
I love you
Take me by the hand.
Eyes adoring.
Moving slowly,
Please?
Take me away from here.
Again & again.
Turn me from dying
Into ignition.
Oh
No
Fall. September 22nd.
Stay in summer.
Cool off.
What’s wrong?
I’m not doing it, I’m scared.
The floor moves, always running and tripping.
Using my words.
If I can focus long enough on beauty instead of madness—
forget the real world!
“Lizard” “Lizard” I’m no better.
What do you mean?
Alone?
Fix it up, make it better,
something that matters.
Maybe in December…
Another day spent waiting for
perfect weather.
running away
flip, flop
lost a shoe
clip, clop
coming for you,
can’t stop
hacked in two
chip, chop
red blood flew
drip, drop—
down,
down,
down,
in the
basement
your
pieces
plop!
Joy stained with sadness. Spreading. Searching in the mirror:
Hello and goodbye, hello–echo–hello! Goodbye, goodbye.
Internal guard. Distracting. Defensive. Avoiding what happened before…
Faltering. A puddle. A wrinkle of sadness in everything, for in your noticing is its ending–begin and end, begin and end–what happens in between the beginning and ending?
Peace
into pieces. Or out of?
Glowing walls and silver light. Continual death and spring. Past carried forward, pasts of pasts, a knowing, a deep knowing. Pain and struggle and death.
Forgetting the peace.
Peace in chaos.
Again,
Beginning and ending.
Life is–
Not speaking to my dad.
Bullying my younger brother.
Hating my mom.
Lice infestation and a shaved head.
Trying to fit in.
Rape.
Uncovering and pulling, stripping, stripped, free me–
Dancing! Don’t stop dancing!
My older brother moving out.
Arrested for stealing.
Grammy’s final embrace.
Jammed fingers and water polo.
From California to New York.
Endlessly more,
Forgiveness, forgive me–I forgive you.
You’re forgiven! Again and again, forgiven, will you forgive?
Dance and let go–take it all off!
Float in a river, rinse your pain–cleansed! Continuously cleansed!
Trying and trying, try again. You’re not a quitter.
Bad things happen.
Don’t forget there’s more!
I’m sorry.
I forgive you.
I love you.
That’s when the mirror beckons: will you remember–
To stop running, and
remember your strength.
To let go, and
Remember to celebrate.
I brought a large blanket and laid it out. I sat down and began thinking—about nothing in particular, nothing of interest. It was more of a noticing: green clouds of pond growth blooming to the surface, a swan bobbing for fish, trees, light green and white, shimmering in the wind, a blue sky.
There was a pain in my chest as I noticed these things. I was in pain over many things–about as many as I was seeing. Tears welled in my eyes. I couldn’t describe it properly. Usually, I’d push myself to land.
But I don’t feel like it.
I lay back instead, making sure not to land on dirt, noticing how many ants were scurrying about—along blackberry vines, up skinny and winding twigs of trees, to somewhere. I saw a bird land on a tree above me. It appeared yellow, but it was the sun, glowing in a halo through the leaves, leaving the bird in shadow. I wondered what it would be like to fly around under a sky of leaves, or to travel on six legs, dodging thorns.
I sat up and stopped wondering because the pain in my chest returned. I was avoiding the thoughts that came up—knowing there was nothing to do. I began crying again. I didn’t rush or wish it away. It burned from within my chest, filling my throat, reaching for my eyes, and falling in tears down my cheeks.
I was like this for a while.
Music played while the swan kept bobbing and the wind shimmered budding leaves.
Nestling into the nook of dirt on the pond bank, I wondered if I should listen to something new or head back to make lunch.
More time passed, then it was time to go. But before rising, I put my hand to my chest and took a breath. The pain wasn’t as hot or precise—it had softened into warmth. Exhausted, I stood.
I climbed past the large pine, through tall grass and short, red-leafed oak saplings, back onto the road where the sun bathed me in welcome. My shoes were a blinding white. There were small black dots scurrying in frantic circles until my eyes focused—my shoes were covered in ants.
I felt the urge to…do what? What do you do when your shoes are covered in biting ants?
I stomped my feet and shook out my blanket.
I did it again.
And once more.
The ants, at least, appeared to be gone.
The cup spills over from beneath the spigot.
Moments spent receiving,
while I keep track.
Waiting for something to happen.
Buying time.
Pretending to pretend,
I know what I’m doing.
The cup remains, overflowing.
Receiving, figuring—just give me a moment.
Something comes next…
But, wouldn’t I rather not?
Shaking,
I remove the glass from
the endless outpouring and
put it to my lips.
Turns out, I’m thirsty as hell.
Fear.
You son of a bitch.
It’s hard to let walls down. It’s hard to be vulnerable.
I’ve done bad things because of it.
I’m not always rational.
Like when I pulled a knife on my ex at the dinner table.
Honestly, all I’m trying to say is, I’m not perfect.
I’m scared.
But that isn’t going to stop me.
Just like it didn’t stop me from stabbing that mother fucker.
I’ll show you
Fear.
fitveggielife 