Feelings explode inside of me as I blindly wreck havoc on the people around me. Aware but my awareness is clipped in it’s cute little car seat in the back, watching as something evil white knuckles the steering wheel. Is it evil? They’re grinning, cackling! Jesus, that’s inside of me? I feel it, and it doesn’t have evil intentions… it feels like they’re in a bit of pain.

I need help. Sure, therapy would be great, no I’m not about to off myself, the help I need is around me just out of reach. Family? Friends? I wish they could see me. I mean how selfish can I be to demand their spotlights, don’t I know how busy and hard life is? Why yes I do. But wait, they do see me! I talk to them, I see them see me. What more do I want? The help is them?

Or is it me? Emotional and neurotic, you never know what might come out of my mouth, it must be me. I need to help myself.

The work never stops. We can always improve! Good! I like it—I think? I would love to find out what’s beneath all of this tension and anger, maybe it’s all just PMS? Maybe it’s moving back home? Maybe it’s ending a relationship? Maybe it’s everything and some. That’s the fun part, trying to figure it out. This isn’t anybody else’s problem but mine, this is for me to fix, but I must admit, it would be nice to receive some help. What kind though? Do I even know?

But I’m not supposed to rely on anybody am I? Is that my idea? Is that my wounded child voice? Is that society? Is it wrong to want to lean on people? I just feel like I’m different, too different, too scary, too explosive for anybody to connect with me. I speak my mind too openly, I spill tears, I reveal everything behind the curtain—here! have it all!—but why should anybody care?

This is where I’m stuck. I love my mind, I love watching people, I love having deep ass, beautiful conversations about life and death and all of the feelings, I love feeling everything even pain, I’m not the only one am I? Not in some sadistic way, it’s just kinda neat… I’m here, alive, and I get to feel all of these things. But… but… where do I go from here?! Wait for it to pass, let it wash over me, and resume life as normal… it just feels like I’d be missing something if I didn’t look a little deeper. Isn’t it all for something?

While I feel alone at the moment, and explosive, and have unleashed my feelings on family members, aside from apologizing, I’m going to stand a little more still, observe a little more and say a little less, that way I can get an understanding of what the fuck this is (Although now that I’ve written this it seems quite obvious) all for.

I’m a mess but I’m grateful.. for my feelings, for my family, for this website, all is not lost… it is just me, but it also isn’t. I’m not the only motherfuckin’ human who has big feelings. Whether y’all will admit it or not.

Im sorry mom for being crazy. I love you.