fitveggielife

In a forest—crouching, stepping, carefully dodging long vines that hang like snakes from a canopy of trees above. The dirt is dark and wet. My boot crunches, but when I take my next step, I’m barefoot. Naked.

Rain begins to fall. The clouds are alive with brooding darkness and raging thunder. Shadows are released when there’s no sun casting them. Where has mine gone? 

She sprints through cities, crosses state borders, into the depths of the ocean, returning to someplace deep in the sea’s belly.

She floats, smiling, her black eyes reflect the golden glow of the earth’s core—destruction—a baby being read a lullaby, falling fast asleep. Wake up, wake up, wake up!

All of the answers lie here. Her touchstone, mine—what secrets hide in the belly of the beast?

The sun pokes out and I’m me again. The warm rays kiss my cheeks, I wipe the raindrops off my brow and smile.

I know it’ll get dark again. 

Lightning cracks the drifting gray and it feels as if the world has split open.

I see my shadow sitting beneath a tree, smiling into the earth, spinning her finger in the dirt and planting something. 

Looking over her shoulder, and within the small opening, I can see the life that has lived before me. I can talk to spirits. A long line, lines and lines of something—it’s right there. I reach out, my shadow reaches out towards me. You’re right there, and yet…

Something growls—freeze. 

Listen.

I’ve changed. You don’t want me to?

I’ve been different people and thought different things; old me’s watching every move with hungry eyes. They form a circle, closing in, I kick dirt over the seed and run before they can feast on my bones.

Full sprint over the edge of a cliff, I dive head first. Over my shoulder, shadows leap after me.

I feel brilliant. I feel useless. The wind blows my worries away, something buds in my chest. Shadows reaching.

I want consistency. I want to feel clear. I want to see the secrets of the world, and I do until I slam into rock and shatter into a million pieces.

I try connecting with myself while listening to their chants of resurrection, try again, or stay broken, they blow away like dust in the wind.

With time, introspection, appreciation, attention. I’ve figured out what I like. It was always there, beneath something heavy. Weighted, thick.

Life likes to tease. To keep me blindfolded. Follow another man’s instructions, confusing direction and manipulation.

Distract me from me. Or reminding me I’m here. Something to fight with.

I can feel into my body differently than I have before. My breath reaches deep, without snagging on the tears that clog my throat, like a hand that used to pin me against the wall.

I see judgment. Familiar and knowing.

Who are you? Look! Who are you? I’m kneeling, begging, crying, who am I?

I’m trying to find balance.

Desire untamed—how do you learn to handle something essential when it’s stolen, misused? When you’re taught only to give, to listen to lies, to serve a world that doesn’t feed you in return? Tastelessly spread over burnt bread, served like scraps to the starving.

Do you know who the monster is? My shadow returns, looking me in the eyes, licking their lips. We’ve been waiting for you to show us.

Speak up, but careful with who. Don’t say too much. Fear being taken advantage of, fear misuse, a prized possession.  

For a woman. 

For a man. 

“Danger”

“DANGER”.

Danger became a way of feeling alive. A prescription for neglect, the fallen smile in anticipation. Careless, aggressive, dismissive, it begs the question—Do I matter?

An addiction. A reminder. Grounding me into this life, into my body, dancing with the (D)evil, touch me, make me feel alive. Am I good enough?

Lurking in drained, empty eyes—starved and searching for the next soul to feed on.

I’m a good girl.

I want to follow rules. I want to please.
Play or pretend?

Volleying in and out, light and dark. I put myself back together, the pieces are glued with gold. It burns, but I’m stronger for it.

Life is no longer lived in a detached, hurried, worried, wound-up way. You know what I’m talking about—when something doesn’t feel quite right.

Screaming and shredding your organs, your health, your mind,

LISTEN.

Look into the box containing unacknowledged fears, desires, doubts, secrets.

I don’t want to be the person who spends their whole lives avoiding it. Always there—pretend not to notice–don’t notice, don’t notice, don’t notice, DON’T notice. Like a wound that never quite heals, a slow bleed. 

No danger. 

No fear. 

No worries. 

The pipe closes, and you’re wondering why you dried up. Joining the bottom feeders, walking among them, becoming them. If everything’s been taken, do you care who you take from?

I dance with danger. Come dance with me. Look into the fire. Kiss me, I’ll show you how to let go.

Feeling alive—I love being alive. Come alive with me.

Transform your life, become heaven and hell.

Whispers transform into screams, stop banging your head into the wall and turn around.

Your skin pricks from the chill of the air–breathless, and your vision is clearer than it’s ever been.

Looking through new eyes, listening, breathing, burning.

Move. Dance. Scream.

Let the forest know you’re alive. Make music out of madness.